why ask why me?

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


If it feels right, you should do it. Sometimes the emotional logic overwhelms and outweighs the rationality. After all, feelings are evidence, too, and they shouldn't be ignored. Don't forsake your heart for your brain

and this is why i am friends with all the guys in my life.... and nothing more


random catch-up

i lost FOUR pounds last week!!! YIPPI.... of course, i dont think i had lost a pound in 3 months.... how did celebrate? i had cake

actually thought, truth be told i have been REALLY REALLY good with my "new eating habits" - NOT a diet... i really DON'T eat junk food - people offer me candy and i say no thank you... i don't add salt or sugar.... i haven't been eating foods i am allergic to (and that is a LOT of food)and i drink a LOT of water every day - my students joke that i am going to pee my pants during class if i am not careful....

i am SO financially in a bind that i had to cut down from my hour workouts to half hour workouts....and then, today, super trainer - wow, she had to cancell last week due to a doctor's apt - well, it turns out she has breast cancer.... we are talking about a woman who is totally into eating healthy and taking car of herself, and she is only 40 years old - it kind of makes you think about why we kill ourselves to be so healthy though .... *sigh* she KNOWS she is going to have it removed and then she will have chemo & radiation - she KNOWS she will do the most aggressive therapy out there..... i feel so BAD for her and at the same time i don't know what to do for her....and then on the flip side - i feel selfish because i wonder how this will affect me because training wise, she is the best trainer at the gym for me - i KNOW that is selfish and self-centered - but at the same time, she WANTS to keep working...

work is.... i have been putting all the energy that i have into it - but it isn't enough - i am SO BEHIND..... i am basically doing exactly what i HAVE to do - and that is about it... i HAVE to do a turn around this weekend or i will be in SO MUCH TROUBLE

Friday, January 26, 2007

a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated
You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

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Sunday, January 21, 2007

horridscope sunday

Learn to view yourself -- all of yourself -- with understanding and compassion.
Impossible standards just make life more difficult and love harder to give and
receive. Softening your attitude opens your heart.

someone asked me why i blog....

why do i blog?.....

i blog to vent....

i blog to share.....

i come on here to say the things i wont say to my friends and family, but you only see one side of me.....there are things about me you will never know, personnel details that i don't share

i tend to let my negative stuff out here, and let my positive side shine in public, kind of like free therapy (ok, "you know who you are", you suggested journaling - this took 3 hours to write)

everyone needs an outlet - and lately you have been it

i feel like every time i DO start to talk about a positive, it backfires...

once again, as i posted i started talking to a guy.... and things seemed to be positive..... i waited a bit to actually post about it.... well, last night i got the "i am so busy i just do feel it is fair to you" brush off... a relationship takes work... and if both people aren't willing to compromise and put forth the effort than it won't.... i can only take him at face value - so if he was telling the truth, then he finally met someone who gets him, odd quirks and all, but he is so busy that he doesn't have the time to put in the effort and he doesn't want me to compromise and wait it out.... so, then - i guess it is HIS LOSS - but damn, this one HURTS

some of you, from private e-mail, know i have been having health problems... i have been going up and down.... no, it is not life threatening... but i am sick every day... it wears a person out..... my friends IRL don't want to understand what is going on.... they don't seem to care.... they call me and start off by bitching about their problems, not asking me what is going on with me.... i don't know if any of them actually KNOW how sick i am... my doctor actually suggested i take a leave of absence from work.. but i am only a second year teacher and i don't want to do that.... i would go NUTS sitting around at home all day

ironically the one place i DO feel good is at the gym while working out - i guess the endorphins do boost morale, however i cant do it alone so i have been draining my wallet paying for super trainer... i know muscle takes up less space than fat... my weight hasn't really dropped but i am getting stronger and some of my clothing is getting bigger..... so i guess i am doing something right


Monday, January 15, 2007

up on my soap box

a fellow blogger (and you know who you are) recently posted regarding the the whole judging a book by its cover and how it relates to women.... you know - how a pretty girl is physically pretty, but once you get to know her she is dumb as a box of rocks or she is a bitch..., but a not so pretty girl, well, they aren't that great these days either once you get to know them - i jumped into it w/ him to defend "us" and he proposed that i blog about it myself:

fine - i will stoop low enough to blog about it here ~ i will also explain WHY i was so heated and rose to the bait to blog about it at the end

I base my thoughts today on a number of fronts: my background in psychology, my years as a teacher, and my years being the friend of members of the in crowd but not being cool enough to BE a member OF the in crowd (of course, i always thought it was too much work to actually be an active member)

relational aggression is a controversial concept regarding the downfall of teenage girls - it looks at how teenage girls attack each other and break each other down until there is one "queen bee" with her minions and the rest have stomped each other out..... but there must be something to the concept for there to be as much research about it as there is....

remember the movie heathers with winona rider? and now mean girls, shes all that, and all the other teen angst movies out there

i had the opportunity to work with one of the founders of the opheilia project when setting up some after school groups at my school and we have seen a drastic decrease in problems with the girls in my school.... but will it last??? and will it cross over to the "real world" once they leave our isolated bubble? truthfully, i doubt it - because the rest of the world is just, well, MEAN...

there have always been the pretty girls, the girls who don't care one way or another, the girls who float on the fringe, the average girls who fit in in their social groups and then the, well - not so pretty girls.

basically, unless your parents are complete an utter shits you are told you are pretty/cute/beautiful from the moment you are born - even if you are funny looking (or worse)

somewhere along the line though, social status starts to take hold - it seems to be as much nature as nurture - but it happens.... and unless you have a constitution as strong as iron, your psyche starts to crumble

there are those who rise to the top, who seem impervious to the mean girls, who are sweet to everyone and they are friend to everyone, regardless of group membership. they tend to be pretty and smart and funny..... there are those who float thru w/o being harassed - they just kind of exist w/o making a blip on anyones radar, for better or worse..... .. then there are the mean girls who are well, just that - MEAN and they walk over, and/or THRU everyone

so take the average (or less than average girl) who has to go thru the awkwardness of puberty with all the crap that comes with it..... and now add dating and the archaic rules that no one really understands

can you blame her for putting up a wall when she repeatedly gets crapped on for being herself? can you blame her for pulling into a shell? for using sarcasm as a form of self protection? you can only put on the act of being happy and sweet for so long before it wears on you and wears you out..

- i am almost 30, yet i am the NOT cover model, i am a girl who at times has a self-confidence issue.... i was, sometimes harasses, but other times defended.... sometimes i cared, sometimes i didn't- it really just depended on who was harassing me..... - i have a job i am good at, friends and family who love and support me, but it still HURTS to be passed over.... so i put up a wall that shows itself as sarcasm as a way to protect myself..... i workout 3 to 4 days a week and eat right, but i got sick and had to take cortisone which packed 30 pounds on me that won't come off so i look like the fucking stay puff marshmallow chick..... i have gone on more first dates this past year than i have gone on the rest of my life combined - and only 3 of them i didn't want to go on a 2nd... and they were the 3 that called back....

i am a great person with a lot to give, but i find that the social scene is just like high school.... the pretty girls get hit on by the hot guys... when the hot guys get drunk and the pretty girls get taken the not so hot guys or the left over hot guys then move on to the 2nd tier girls... (where for the most part i still fall) but you feel like left overs at that point.... so of course by then, your feet hurt, and you are tired of seeing the pretties and the skinnies get 1st dibs.... so forgive me for not being a ray of fucking sunshine every time i am out in public

and drop the double standard - because it is still ok for guys to act like jerks, to swear, to burp, to act like an ass...

and besides, why must a woman still always act perfect?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Delurking & Identity Crisis

ok, so if you can blog, than you can read.

hopefully you have noticed that i am TRYING to stay positive - or not post at all.

i have been having a bit of a rough week and feel a bit discombobulated (computer crashed, kids AND coworkers going crazy at work, feeling crappy, michigan AND ohio getting shellacked, the lack of snow... shesh this list could go on and on - but i digress)

anyhow, i DON'T want to bitch at you.

so, in lue of international blogger delurking week, if you have been lurking - could you introduce yourself and boost my ego???



Sunday, January 07, 2007

horridscope sunday

so, after last year's dating trauma's you would think i would take a break... but NO, i seem to be a glutton for punishment.... it seems that the new year sent all the single guys to the electronic dating pool at the same time, for all of a sudden my inbox is full with "new and interesting people who want to meet me"



new year - new dating attitude

so, i got a call last night from the new one i gave my number to... and we talked for 3 hours and then he had to go as he was going out with a friend - a little nerdy, but a great sense of humor... seems to know when to push and when to back off during a conversation.... went to end the phone call and asked if he could call back soon and we were still talking 20 minutes later (door bell actually rang and i heard the friend in the background) i told him he could call back when he got home as i was sure to be up late.... he called but felt bad since it was 11 pm - we were STILL on the phone at 3 am!!!

when we got off the phone he said he enjoyed talking to me and would call in a few days....

so today i did the whole song and dance around the apt - i wanted to let him know that i enjoyed talking to him too....but i didn't want to come off stalkerish....

what is a girl to do.... well, i remember that during our conversation he noted that he found me to be a strong and confident woman who seems to march to my own drummer....

and then i read:

Flirtation is just the icing on the already delicious cake when you meet someone
(or a few different someones) with whom you really connect. So let your best,
most brazenly adorable side come out to play.

well.... he jokingly alluded to the phone calls as dates... well, after a typical date the girl either waits around for the guy to call 3 days later or brazenly picks up the phone and calls the next day herself ... but what do you do after a phone date???

well, i let my most brazen adorable side come out to play, and sent him an e-mail

**** UPDATE for those of you who were nosey and e-mailed me, this was the e-mail i sent him:

i just wanted hi and let you know i had a great time last
night... i truely don't remember the last time i had that much fun just talking,
nor can i think of a conversation that covered that wide a variety of topics : )
i hope you have a good rest of the weekend & to hear from you soon

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Friday, January 05, 2007


one of my "non-goals" of the year is to attempt to stay positive for as long as possible...

i work in one of those pod buildings with the movable walls, leaving me in a room without windows.... which leaves me without natural light for most of the day

and when i DO get out of the room, i do what ever i can to be near a window

unfortunately, and if you have paid any attention to the weather, the northeast has been under a cloud

now, the GOOD news is that the temps have been nice enough that i wore sleeveless shirts and open toed shoes all week

the bad news, is that it has been raining SO MUCH that i would rather it was snowing

Thursday, January 04, 2007

horridscope thursday

Your willingness to appreciate the absurd (and to be absurd yourself) is one of your most endearing traits. Your loved ones know how lucky they are to have a true individual like you in their lives.

I resemble that remark :P


Monday, January 01, 2007

new year / new start

i woke up on this new year at an unbelievably early time....

i found it unseasonably warm for the north east....so i did the unthinkable and i went for a (sort of) morning hike, unfortunately there was no chance to see a sunrise w/ the cloud coverage...

it had actually gotten a little chillier by the time i arrived home from my walk, but i decided to throw open the windows for a bit bring the outside in... and i am glad....

and then i heard a song... the song itself, not the greatest, but something in the chorus spoke to me, and i think it's my new mantra: from Gavin DeGraw, Chariot

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me
so here is to a new year
Happy 2007!!

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