why ask why me?

Monday, January 15, 2007

up on my soap box

a fellow blogger (and you know who you are) recently posted regarding the the whole judging a book by its cover and how it relates to women.... you know - how a pretty girl is physically pretty, but once you get to know her she is dumb as a box of rocks or she is a bitch..., but a not so pretty girl, well, they aren't that great these days either once you get to know them - i jumped into it w/ him to defend "us" and he proposed that i blog about it myself:

fine - i will stoop low enough to blog about it here ~ i will also explain WHY i was so heated and rose to the bait to blog about it at the end

I base my thoughts today on a number of fronts: my background in psychology, my years as a teacher, and my years being the friend of members of the in crowd but not being cool enough to BE a member OF the in crowd (of course, i always thought it was too much work to actually be an active member)

relational aggression is a controversial concept regarding the downfall of teenage girls - it looks at how teenage girls attack each other and break each other down until there is one "queen bee" with her minions and the rest have stomped each other out..... but there must be something to the concept for there to be as much research about it as there is....

remember the movie heathers with winona rider? and now mean girls, shes all that, and all the other teen angst movies out there

i had the opportunity to work with one of the founders of the opheilia project when setting up some after school groups at my school and we have seen a drastic decrease in problems with the girls in my school.... but will it last??? and will it cross over to the "real world" once they leave our isolated bubble? truthfully, i doubt it - because the rest of the world is just, well, MEAN...

there have always been the pretty girls, the girls who don't care one way or another, the girls who float on the fringe, the average girls who fit in in their social groups and then the, well - not so pretty girls.

basically, unless your parents are complete an utter shits you are told you are pretty/cute/beautiful from the moment you are born - even if you are funny looking (or worse)

somewhere along the line though, social status starts to take hold - it seems to be as much nature as nurture - but it happens.... and unless you have a constitution as strong as iron, your psyche starts to crumble

there are those who rise to the top, who seem impervious to the mean girls, who are sweet to everyone and they are friend to everyone, regardless of group membership. they tend to be pretty and smart and funny..... there are those who float thru w/o being harassed - they just kind of exist w/o making a blip on anyones radar, for better or worse..... .. then there are the mean girls who are well, just that - MEAN and they walk over, and/or THRU everyone

so take the average (or less than average girl) who has to go thru the awkwardness of puberty with all the crap that comes with it..... and now add dating and the archaic rules that no one really understands

can you blame her for putting up a wall when she repeatedly gets crapped on for being herself? can you blame her for pulling into a shell? for using sarcasm as a form of self protection? you can only put on the act of being happy and sweet for so long before it wears on you and wears you out..

- i am almost 30, yet i am the NOT cover model, i am a girl who at times has a self-confidence issue.... i was, sometimes harasses, but other times defended.... sometimes i cared, sometimes i didn't- it really just depended on who was harassing me..... - i have a job i am good at, friends and family who love and support me, but it still HURTS to be passed over.... so i put up a wall that shows itself as sarcasm as a way to protect myself..... i workout 3 to 4 days a week and eat right, but i got sick and had to take cortisone which packed 30 pounds on me that won't come off so i look like the fucking stay puff marshmallow chick..... i have gone on more first dates this past year than i have gone on the rest of my life combined - and only 3 of them i didn't want to go on a 2nd... and they were the 3 that called back....

i am a great person with a lot to give, but i find that the social scene is just like high school.... the pretty girls get hit on by the hot guys... when the hot guys get drunk and the pretty girls get taken the not so hot guys or the left over hot guys then move on to the 2nd tier girls... (where for the most part i still fall) but you feel like left overs at that point.... so of course by then, your feet hurt, and you are tired of seeing the pretties and the skinnies get 1st dibs.... so forgive me for not being a ray of fucking sunshine every time i am out in public

and drop the double standard - because it is still ok for guys to act like jerks, to swear, to burp, to act like an ass...

and besides, why must a woman still always act perfect?


  • I agree with everything you said. Double standards, social "conventions," and all that shit suck big time.

    Yes, I know that I'm married...but I still know what it's like. All of these things carry over into all other parts of life as welll--so far beyond dating. Be a "third tier" girl (which, just being honest, I usually am) at work...or when you're trying to get help at a store..or anything. Yeah, I feel you on this one.

    By Blogger Me, at Monday, January 15, 2007  

  • I never heard of a woman outside my family that wasn't perfect.

    By Blogger Lowry, at Monday, January 15, 2007  

  • the only thing I can say is "AMEN"

    that and this entry is very good.


    and one more thing - we still need to go out and drink together.

    By Blogger Jackass Jenn, at Monday, January 15, 2007  

  • Ok... Can we be honest here... At the risk of being slammed by a horde of estrogen empowered gender warriors I really would like to speak my mind...

    First I would like to say fantastic post, and I can completely see your point of view... I can feel your frustration and I completely understand it.

    That being said... It's been my experience that second tier girls are usually relegated to second tier status of their own accord, rather than being placed there due to looks.

    What I mean is... men are not that picky. If you shower regularly, brush your teeth and make at least a half assed effort at putting yourself together you can generally pass muster. I mean honestly... And I'm being as honest as I can here... Most men are going to pass on the drop dead gorgeous woman assuming she's already taken, it's a numbers game more than anything else, and the odds are much better with someone slightly out of your league or on the same field rather than an allstar if you know what I'm saying... Again I'm not trying to be an asshole here... I'm trying to be honest.

    So why you ask do some women have to beat men off with a stick, while others are for all intents and purposes invisible???

    One word... Confidence

    I know... I know... It sounds so cliche, but it's so true. Men want to flirt... We live for the chase. We want what other men want, but can't have. We want to feel like we found something special, in you.

    So flirt... Toss your hair... Touch his knee when your talking... Give him that look you women do when you laugh, you know the one when you lean forward head cocked to the side and slightly down as you lift your eyes and smile that knowing smile that let's us know it's you... I've chosen you...

    In a nutshell that is what men are looking for... They want to feel that you could have anyone, but you have chosen them.

    Honestly... It's not looks, it's confidence...

    I'm just sayin'...

    By Blogger Just Sayin', at Monday, January 15, 2007  

  • Not that it matters, but I agree with Just Sayin', which is good because it saves me so much time and typing. A lot of the things that you talked about "i have a job i am good at, friends and family who love and support me" are outside esteem, not internal self-esteem. Depending on the level of your psychology background, you'll know exactly what I mean.

    One other thing, there was lots of money being spent to prove that cigarettes are good for you too. Everyone needs to pay the bills. This is not to say that there's nothing to the theory, but your method of proof is flawed.

    By Blogger -J, at Tuesday, January 16, 2007  

  • I have moments of supreem confidence where I am totally in control of my world and everything is cake with double frosting. I also have moments where I refuse to get out of bed because I'm ugly, hateful, bitchy and no one loves me.

    I think the confidence thing is part of it. We grow up looking for validation of who we are from our friends, and when those friends push and stomp and shove us into some stupid box of who they think we should be we define ourselves by it.

    The older I get the less I care about anyone else's definition of me. I'm the only person in the world allowed to treat me like shit, everyone else will pay the price.

    And men? Who the fuck can understand them???

    By Blogger Melissa, at Tuesday, January 16, 2007  

  • Remember how you always heard that once high school was over things would be different? People would grow up and you would no longer have to deal with all the crap? I hate that someone lied to us all about that, because it is very real in the 'real world.' The world truly is scewed fo favour the good looking and the rich. Boooo

    By Blogger Scott, at Tuesday, January 16, 2007  

  • Okay...I think I might be an estrogen empowered gender warrior or something...but I've got more to say. And, Just Sayin', keep in mind just how much I love you. Don't get pissy towards me. Please. :)

    I agree with Just Sayin'. Confidence is key. I know that when I'm feeling good about myself, things (seem) to go better. However, are they really going better? Or do I just not care? Is there a difference? Should we have to differenciate between the two? I don't know.

    I do know that at times though, confidence can wear thin. It can only last so long before you start asking "What's wrong with me?" and "What am I doing that's not right?"

    Anyway, I have no idea where I'm going with this. I can see both sides--I agree with all sides presented here--however, Just Sayin' mentioned that "[m]ost men are going to pass on the drop dead gorgeous woman assuming she's already taken..." but forgot to mention that it takes some (a lot?) of men a long time to come to the realization that a woman doesn't have to be physically stunning to be a good mate. I believe he even made that acknowledgment on his blog/in a comment/in an e-mail/I don't know where. (And, yes, I know that some women are the same way...we're not all estrogen empowered gender warriors, geesh!)

    So while all everyone is slowly getting the message, the second and third-tier people are waiting. And waiting sucks for the most part.

    Hmm. Whatever.

    By Blogger Me, at Tuesday, January 16, 2007  

  • Me... It takes quite a bit to make me pissy, and I don't think I could ever be pissy with you!

    Once again... I think this is a great post, and I completely understand question girl's frustration. I don't want to come off as a jackass... Sincerely.

    And you are right I did mention... I believe in an e-mail to you that it generally takes men awhile to get beyond appearances when it comes to choosing a partner... I stand by that statement. Here is the thing... I believe moving beyond that is a part of the maturation process. So I guess my question is... As a woman do you want someone who is interested in you (forgive my piggish lingo) only because you have "nice tits", or a "nice ass"??? Seriously???

    Or would you rather wait for the guy who thinks you're a fascinating, intelligent, caring person whom he can't wait to talk to again, or hear your opinion on anything from politics to pets... And thinks you have a "nice ass", or "nice tits"???

    I'm just askin'...

    BTW... Ladies I am currently accepting applicants for my significant other position. Please forward on your opinions on everything from politics to pets... As well as pictures of your ass and tits via e-mail.

    By Blogger Just Sayin', at Tuesday, January 16, 2007  

  • Women and men are the same in more ways than they realize and unfortunately, some people never grow up socially.

    By Blogger Phil, at Wednesday, January 17, 2007  

  • we all want to be accepted. . . too bad we have shitty ways of acting out our insecurities. i agree with your post and also, what just sayin' is (uh, ha) sayin'. sex appeal has WAY more to do with confidence than looks. the more WE believe we are desirable, that we are catches, the more people will be attracted to us. Saying we are a catch is one thing. Believing we are is an entirely different ballgame.

    I've long since given up chasing the fella who longs for the popular/hot chick. They are after something entirely shallow while I am after something deep and meaningful. Let them chase her tail. I'm looking elsewhere. :)

    By Blogger Sizzle, at Wednesday, January 17, 2007  

  • As soon as you start pegging your life to what someone else thinks of you, you're lost and you should get used to disappointment.

    By Blogger Grampa, at Friday, January 19, 2007  

  • Post something! Whaaaaaaaaaah!

    By Blogger Lowry, at Saturday, January 20, 2007  

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